ITS SOMETIMES IN THE SMALLEST OF GESTURES THE GREATEST HAPPINESS & HOPE COMES

its no secret that my son struggles with a testimony of any gospel.

i believe he does believe in a higher power he calls God, but i think thats where it stops.
im not even sure he believes in a Jesus, to be honest.

hes so much like my mother, who had to look at everything with a science mind.
if it could be explained away by logic, and physics, and science, that HAD to be the way it was.
hes just the same, always looking for the answer in the science, or explanation.

never trusting and leaning on faith.

a few weeks ago, the sister missionaries and my husband and i were talking in the hallway by the family history room, and somehow daniel came up in the conversation, they asked who he was.
i knew they most likely hadnt crossed paths with him much, because they dont run in the same circles...but he is usually at church on wednesday nights, so they should have seen him, at least.

without batting an eye, craig tells them hes there, in the gym, and hes 20..and just general stuff.
i added he was super cute and handsome..lol

so, we walk down to the gym, i point him out, make sure they know who he is, and walk around to the other door to not make it look like i had anything to do with them asking him about himself.

they were talking to hm, when i walked up, and were in the middle of asking him if hed attend the Singles Family Home Evening. (a Mormon weekly family activity night).
i walked up, he right away said, he knew i had something to do with it...
but..amazing to me, he agreed to go, asked if id take him...

well, monday night came, and he decided to not go, because he got a new game for his xbox1

just now (tuesday,  february 10) i got a call from the sister missionaries...
asking if i thought daniel would be at church on wednesday, and could they talk to him.

hes better to get in person than try to obligate over the phone, if he has enough time to avoid, hell avoid. so, i told them to snag him at church on wednesday.

i also, told them to make sure they spoke with me about what to look for in his body cues for when hes listening and engaged, and when hes not, and tuned anyone out. i really do know him that well.

the point for this blog, is,
these 2 young ladies, sister missionaries for my church...who are the 1st ones who are aggressively trying.
no one else has really made an effort...
i mean they socialize with him when they see himn, ask how he is, but no ones asked him to anything to do with his age..or inquired of him anything deeper...
these 2 went straight in for the kill...
sure, its part of their job, but it still. means so much more to me...than a number.
my kids more than a statistic, more than a number on a roster, hes a soul, struggling with whats truth and not truth.

the trying these 2 ladies are doing means everything to me.

i dont expect huge landmark results, but i can hopefully see slight change, even if theres no change, i am so appreciative that SOMEONE has thought enough of my son to engage him in some religious meaning.

it frightens me, seriously makes me quiver to think, when i die, ill have no way to comfort my son in the most trying time of his life...and that alone, will break him, or build him, and i think...its will lean more towards a break.
he has been my EVERYTHING..
and i have devoted most of our lives together to my focus being on him. as he has gotten older i have pulled away, but not completely, hes still my child. ill always want the best for him, always hope for better for him, always want him to succeed...

So i wasnt sure how to end this blog...i have so much to say emotionally about it, but cant find the words, and last night (feb 12, several days since i started this entry) i was at a church function. For women. 

And the bishop (what we call a pastor) got up and started to talk about  pepper plant he was attempting to plant thats stem broke off, and he tossed the stem off to the side. 

Planted the root end, and watered and took care if his garden.

A few days later, he noticed this stem was still green, not necessarily thriving, but it wasnt dead either.
so he took that stem, because it was still alive, and plopped that thing in the ground...and it..started to grow, not like the others, it was slow, and smaller, and far less than the other plants were, but..it grew, 

and to bishop hardys amazment it produced a pepper!

And he made an analogy. 

ppl are often like the stem, tossed to the side, because the challenge to reach them seems impossible to break.

Ppl have dormant testimonies. And we think the effort, or the continual failed effort to try will lead no where with an individual. 

Were not to judge that person, for what we see as a failed effort in our part. 

Often what we do, to help a soul grow, an flourish, wont be seen by you, the gardener at hand. Its seen by others as the fruit of your efforts.

keep planting, anyway.
keep watering anyway,
keep shining, anyway

 

reminds me of this quote by Mother Theresa

 

needles to say, par for the course if who i a, thinking about my son being a tossed aside pepper stem, made me...cry..and i did...
its a common joke among those i love, that ill cry when i start to talk about my son.
its true, i do, cause my hearts so swollen for him and torn in so many directions, and so filled with love for him...it all bubbles up and spills out my eyes.
im human. forgive me.

We are all like this stem, broken, hungry, seeking to thrive. Some are stubborn, some are prideful, some are confused, some seem to not care, others dont, not right now...theres a million reasons why ppl dont have a testimony..thats not for anyone to judge them for, but to love them through.

Plant them anyway, keep watering them, shine sun on them...eventually, a fruit may come.

These 2 sister missionaries, weather they know it or not..are the gardeners for my son right now.

And maybe tonight (if he goes to church) they can catch him to talk to him...without me being there. 

And they can help to grow a struggling testimony. 

They have no idea how much i appreciate them and just the effort, even if we see no fruit come from this at all. Its the effort. The acknowledgment that Daniel IS important to God, and the entire universe. Not just to me, his mother. 

Im like any other mom out there, i want the best for my son, and i struggle inside myself with when to hang on and when to let go.

Thats where God comes in i guess, Hes there to catch when your just not sure. 

Its no secret. I love my kid with an intense passion. 

If he reads this, i want him to know, i just want you to be on the other side with me and we know each other. We wont be strangers. Well be family.

Daniel, you mean everything i have ever dreamed of, to me.

I want you to know the same joy i have within me.
But your gonna have to take a leap of faith, and trust that mysteries you can explain away are just as important as the ones, you cant, and maybe they were all designed by the same Master.
i want you, to be able to know, after this life, you can be with YOUR kids...trust me it will mean mountains of everything to know that you can.
i want you to know that no matter how hard, and difficult life is and will get (and it will trust me, oh it will!) that Gods always right there, Hell never walk away, that you can be and do ANYTHING and hell always still love you, more than even i do..
i want you to know that every promise, and blessing in the bible, and give to you, and told to you, can..be all yours!
i want you to know that, i have done everything for you..so you could have what i didnt, and part of that i failed on, and i am sorry, i negelcted the church part, i never helpped you fevelop a good foundation in the gosple, and thats comepletely on me...and i take ownership and repsonisbility for that. i wont deny, in that area i sucked as a mother.
but you have freedome and accountability now, and cant crutch on my mistake as your reasons for not  seeking the higher road, and the deeper meaning.
your old enough now, to walk this path, like i had to, on my own, with no one there, to figure it all out.
trust, Daniel.that the steps TOWARDS God, will be good and rewarding, dont look for it to fail...look for the blessings.
always remember we have to suffer the stor before we can ever see the rainbow, so it is with life, trials and tribulations, and heartache, and pain will always preceade peace, and happiness.
always in the middle of an issue, seek the rainbow..

Just trust, Daniel, my best advice is to Trust in God. He wont let you down.
His answers wont be on your time, always on his, but hell always answer. Always!

I love you, mamma

I FINALLY FELT GOOD ENOUGH TO GET CHARGED BACK UP SPIRITUALLY!!!!

So, for 2 nights in a row...(didnt last a third, sadly) i actually slept 6-8 hours!
i am guessing my body REALLY needed that.
well of course it did, i have been battling a severe cough for about 12 1/2 weeks.
started the very 1st weekend in november and i still have lingering issues with it, just not bad enough i feel like im gonna die for the cough itself.
so, for 2 nights straight, i slept, and i slept hard, and i slept good!
(seriously wish i could do more of that, not sure why i cant, but its just never in the cards for me much anymore)

as aresult, the 1st day after the 1st full rest, i noticed, i wasnt hacking up a lung anymore!
2nd say, after ny 2nd full rest, i was even more healed!
that was yesterday, so, i decided i was feeling good enough to go to church.

so, today i walked back in from 3 months of being away..WOW! thats a long time!

so glad too! i miss church.
was great to be able to  be doing what i like to be doing, and i didnt think id hand this crazy sickness off to anyone...

as a result of shoeing up, i had 3 ppl hand me stuff!
ppl love me..lol (or they tolerate me, lol, one or the other, lol..whatever it is, it works for me when i get things!! LOL)

1st on the list was a young lady who had posted in a Mormon FB sale/trade/give away page some  LOOM KNITTING Plastic rings she has had that she was giving away, and i just happened to see the post just after she had posted it, and i asked for them, so today she had those for me, and its great i got them, id drool over them at the store, and craig would always think they cost too much and never get me a set, he did get me a yellow one one time, and i still have to figure out how to use them...since i dont knit, i crochet, these gice a KNITTED look to whatever it is thats being made form them..

so, i have these now, so thankful for generous ppl...and answers to silent prayers/ :)

next was an enevelope. i took a pic of the back, because the front only had address info on it, nothing really spacial, but the  envelope is from a sister who i ADORE!!! and she always thinks of me when she sends her letters off to me.

in my church (Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints AKA: Mormon), the womens auxilliaray has a set up where every female has a set of 2 females who visit them at least once a month. and this lady (Joan) has been mine for 7 of the 8 years i have lived here. 1 year we did it together. and then she went back to being my Visiting Teacher (thats what the set of ladies are called).
anyway, shes been sending me letters for a while now, mostly because shes out of town in texas allot visiting grand babies and family. but she NEVER forgets to make sure she writes...i at least get that from her. to be honest, shes a far better VT (Visiting Teacher) Than i am, lol..shes been at it allot longer, maybe thats why. lol

i always like getting her letters, cause she always has something special on it, or in it, or something for me espeically. and i like that. makes me feel loved, and...well, loved...lol lets me know she thinks of me enough to go out of her way to do something for me, i like...
this letter, was no different.
so, heres the back of it before i opened it. hated to open it too, cause i was gonna rip that sticker up, so i figured a way of doing it and not ripping it, craig thinks im nuts cause i wont damage the sticker...well, its..special, means something to me. and.,..hes a guy, hell tear into anything if its guy related, he wont care..lol
somethings are just..special and shall always remain so, with me.

heck i keep letters, i have letters still from when i was a child, and a teenager, and cards i got as a kid for birthdays and stuff...and, i have kept every letter i have been given by this wonderful woman!

Heres the back...

See? Stuff like that let you know your loved. 

Inside was this card: 

Sorry my ipads camera  didnt get the best pic, card says: 

Faith is being sure of what we HOPE forand certain of what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1

Inside there was this:

I love monkeys, and thats just...special. When you get a card and envelope covered in them. 

Wasnt my only gift..i got tjis shirt too....

Came all the way from guam! I put it on over my dress, cause i wanted to show i appreciated the thought.

It came with a smaller gift

I opened it up and found this magnet in there...

How cute is that? Lol 

And another confirmation i am loved, and thought of. Even hundreds of miles away. 

Did a little family history..noticed on Ancestry.com you can now import your family from facebook on thrre. Thats pretty cool. So i did. I have allot of family on my cousins side i didnt even know i had, so ill have to gather those names up at somepoint. 

Today was a good day.

Michelle