ITS SOMETIMES IN THE SMALLEST OF GESTURES THE GREATEST HAPPINESS & HOPE COMES

its no secret that my son struggles with a testimony of any gospel.

i believe he does believe in a higher power he calls God, but i think thats where it stops.
im not even sure he believes in a Jesus, to be honest.

hes so much like my mother, who had to look at everything with a science mind.
if it could be explained away by logic, and physics, and science, that HAD to be the way it was.
hes just the same, always looking for the answer in the science, or explanation.

never trusting and leaning on faith.

a few weeks ago, the sister missionaries and my husband and i were talking in the hallway by the family history room, and somehow daniel came up in the conversation, they asked who he was.
i knew they most likely hadnt crossed paths with him much, because they dont run in the same circles...but he is usually at church on wednesday nights, so they should have seen him, at least.

without batting an eye, craig tells them hes there, in the gym, and hes 20..and just general stuff.
i added he was super cute and handsome..lol

so, we walk down to the gym, i point him out, make sure they know who he is, and walk around to the other door to not make it look like i had anything to do with them asking him about himself.

they were talking to hm, when i walked up, and were in the middle of asking him if hed attend the Singles Family Home Evening. (a Mormon weekly family activity night).
i walked up, he right away said, he knew i had something to do with it...
but..amazing to me, he agreed to go, asked if id take him...

well, monday night came, and he decided to not go, because he got a new game for his xbox1

just now (tuesday,  february 10) i got a call from the sister missionaries...
asking if i thought daniel would be at church on wednesday, and could they talk to him.

hes better to get in person than try to obligate over the phone, if he has enough time to avoid, hell avoid. so, i told them to snag him at church on wednesday.

i also, told them to make sure they spoke with me about what to look for in his body cues for when hes listening and engaged, and when hes not, and tuned anyone out. i really do know him that well.

the point for this blog, is,
these 2 young ladies, sister missionaries for my church...who are the 1st ones who are aggressively trying.
no one else has really made an effort...
i mean they socialize with him when they see himn, ask how he is, but no ones asked him to anything to do with his age..or inquired of him anything deeper...
these 2 went straight in for the kill...
sure, its part of their job, but it still. means so much more to me...than a number.
my kids more than a statistic, more than a number on a roster, hes a soul, struggling with whats truth and not truth.

the trying these 2 ladies are doing means everything to me.

i dont expect huge landmark results, but i can hopefully see slight change, even if theres no change, i am so appreciative that SOMEONE has thought enough of my son to engage him in some religious meaning.

it frightens me, seriously makes me quiver to think, when i die, ill have no way to comfort my son in the most trying time of his life...and that alone, will break him, or build him, and i think...its will lean more towards a break.
he has been my EVERYTHING..
and i have devoted most of our lives together to my focus being on him. as he has gotten older i have pulled away, but not completely, hes still my child. ill always want the best for him, always hope for better for him, always want him to succeed...

So i wasnt sure how to end this blog...i have so much to say emotionally about it, but cant find the words, and last night (feb 12, several days since i started this entry) i was at a church function. For women. 

And the bishop (what we call a pastor) got up and started to talk about  pepper plant he was attempting to plant thats stem broke off, and he tossed the stem off to the side. 

Planted the root end, and watered and took care if his garden.

A few days later, he noticed this stem was still green, not necessarily thriving, but it wasnt dead either.
so he took that stem, because it was still alive, and plopped that thing in the ground...and it..started to grow, not like the others, it was slow, and smaller, and far less than the other plants were, but..it grew, 

and to bishop hardys amazment it produced a pepper!

And he made an analogy. 

ppl are often like the stem, tossed to the side, because the challenge to reach them seems impossible to break.

Ppl have dormant testimonies. And we think the effort, or the continual failed effort to try will lead no where with an individual. 

Were not to judge that person, for what we see as a failed effort in our part. 

Often what we do, to help a soul grow, an flourish, wont be seen by you, the gardener at hand. Its seen by others as the fruit of your efforts.

keep planting, anyway.
keep watering anyway,
keep shining, anyway

 

reminds me of this quote by Mother Theresa

 

needles to say, par for the course if who i a, thinking about my son being a tossed aside pepper stem, made me...cry..and i did...
its a common joke among those i love, that ill cry when i start to talk about my son.
its true, i do, cause my hearts so swollen for him and torn in so many directions, and so filled with love for him...it all bubbles up and spills out my eyes.
im human. forgive me.

We are all like this stem, broken, hungry, seeking to thrive. Some are stubborn, some are prideful, some are confused, some seem to not care, others dont, not right now...theres a million reasons why ppl dont have a testimony..thats not for anyone to judge them for, but to love them through.

Plant them anyway, keep watering them, shine sun on them...eventually, a fruit may come.

These 2 sister missionaries, weather they know it or not..are the gardeners for my son right now.

And maybe tonight (if he goes to church) they can catch him to talk to him...without me being there. 

And they can help to grow a struggling testimony. 

They have no idea how much i appreciate them and just the effort, even if we see no fruit come from this at all. Its the effort. The acknowledgment that Daniel IS important to God, and the entire universe. Not just to me, his mother. 

Im like any other mom out there, i want the best for my son, and i struggle inside myself with when to hang on and when to let go.

Thats where God comes in i guess, Hes there to catch when your just not sure. 

Its no secret. I love my kid with an intense passion. 

If he reads this, i want him to know, i just want you to be on the other side with me and we know each other. We wont be strangers. Well be family.

Daniel, you mean everything i have ever dreamed of, to me.

I want you to know the same joy i have within me.
But your gonna have to take a leap of faith, and trust that mysteries you can explain away are just as important as the ones, you cant, and maybe they were all designed by the same Master.
i want you, to be able to know, after this life, you can be with YOUR kids...trust me it will mean mountains of everything to know that you can.
i want you to know that no matter how hard, and difficult life is and will get (and it will trust me, oh it will!) that Gods always right there, Hell never walk away, that you can be and do ANYTHING and hell always still love you, more than even i do..
i want you to know that every promise, and blessing in the bible, and give to you, and told to you, can..be all yours!
i want you to know that, i have done everything for you..so you could have what i didnt, and part of that i failed on, and i am sorry, i negelcted the church part, i never helpped you fevelop a good foundation in the gosple, and thats comepletely on me...and i take ownership and repsonisbility for that. i wont deny, in that area i sucked as a mother.
but you have freedome and accountability now, and cant crutch on my mistake as your reasons for not  seeking the higher road, and the deeper meaning.
your old enough now, to walk this path, like i had to, on my own, with no one there, to figure it all out.
trust, Daniel.that the steps TOWARDS God, will be good and rewarding, dont look for it to fail...look for the blessings.
always remember we have to suffer the stor before we can ever see the rainbow, so it is with life, trials and tribulations, and heartache, and pain will always preceade peace, and happiness.
always in the middle of an issue, seek the rainbow..

Just trust, Daniel, my best advice is to Trust in God. He wont let you down.
His answers wont be on your time, always on his, but hell always answer. Always!

I love you, mamma

DNA MAY POINT ME IN A DIRECTION I HAVENT LOOKED IN (STILL seeking my Dad)

so, for those who dont know, ill let you know something.

at my church i am whats called a: Family History Consultant.
basically, i help ppl with their family history, and searching for family.

back story..

i dont know my dad, its been an issue my entire life, because the info i have is very limited.
i was told, (by my mom) that he left us, when we lived in Van Nuys Cali, when i was 2 years old (1969ish).
he was married (unconfirmed) to a woman in Utah , and had 3 sons (uncomfirmed)
married to my mom (she says, i have never seen document to show that to be a fact)
married to another woman , also in cali, who had a daughter about 4 years older than myself. (unconfirmed for both)

and..he was never divorced from any of them, so he was what most ppl would call: a bigamist.

as a side not, whats funny, is i am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.
most ppl know my faith by the nickname: Mormon

and ppl STILL , even tho it hasnt been a way of life for over 100 years or more, STILL think we marry more than one wife (or the husbands would).
and its just kinda funny, not like hillarious funny, just ODD funny, that he had/has this past, and im a member of a faith thats got a history of that kinda thing.
and i dont know if hes ever been a member or not.

my info on my dad has come from just my mom, and i know for a fact this man existed, because my aunt has met him, so there has been SOMEONE who stood as that person in my life.

i have looked for him online since 1999, when i created my online ID. and have had NO success...ANYWHERE!
i was so excited when the 1940 census was opened up, i waited with baited breath to look for him, and came out...devastated.

back to my position in my church..

i was called (asked to do this position) about 5 years ago, now.
and i had serious reservations about doing it, because i knew finding him anywhere on any site, in any family tree was already tough, and here id be helping other ppl find family, and watching them get excited, and thrilled, and make headway, and id be...stuck.
and emotionally, that was going to be a hard place to sit and be ok with.
and i asked God, every Sunday, WHY ? WHYYY was i called to THIS position...

recently i had a breakthrough to do with my faith, that has settled some of my aggrivation about not finding this man..

but, still...5 years later, hes no easier to find than he was on day one.
i have grown to accept the fact that he may never be found.
i have come to the thinking hes not the name id know him as, he has another name, but with no data to know for sure...i cant find him under anything, other than what i have info on, because its all i was given.

2 weeks ago, i was in our Family History room, and was discussing, again, the fact hes unknown, and hard to find...and the suggestion came up that i should do a DNA and see where that took me.
on one site, the DNA will show you other ppl in the same DNA as you, you may actually be connected too.

so, i resolved, at some point this year, id do a DNA...never know...maybe ill find a sibling, or...HIM!
at best, ill see where my DNA  sits across the world.
and thats pretty cool, to see where the DNA i have stems from regionally wise.

so, i made a resolve, id do a DNA ..one day. put that off to some place in the back of my head, and didnt give it really much more thought.

the other day, on facebook, a member of my congregation, said she had bought 2 DNA tests by accident, only needed one, and was anyone interested in her other one.
by the time i saw the note, i was sure someone else had allready asked to have the test, but i told her on Facebook, id want it.

opened up facebook today, and she said shed have it for me.

 so, at some point, ill own my own DNA kit, to send off and have proccessed, and, then, eventually have some kinda result.

will it lead me to my dad? maybe. maybe not.
but it can show me more than what i have now. and you cant go wrong with that.

am i excited? YES! YES I AM!

theres a few tests out there, and im not sure which one she has, when i get it ill add a blog about it, what i did, how i did it, etc.

Michelle

ARTICLE - LDS Church backs LGBT nondiscrimination and religious freedom bills..i am SO proud to be a member of my faith!

 

LDS Church backs LGBT nondiscrimination and religious freedom bills

Posted 8:30 am, January 27, 2015, by Ben Winslow and Ashton Edwards 

 Original article can be found here

SALT LAKE CITY – The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is supporting nondiscrimination bills involving lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people — while at the same time calling for protections for people of faith.

In a rare news conference on Tuesday morning, LDS Church leaders announced their support for LGBT nondiscrimination legislation.

“God is loving and merciful,” said Sister Neill Marriott of the LDS Church’s Young Women’s program. “Jesus ministered to marginalized outcasts.”

“It’s for this reason that the church has publicly favored laws and ordinances that protect LGBT people from discrimination in housing and employment.”

But the church also complained of people being branded “bigots” for speaking for their faith.
“When religious people are publicly intimidated, retaliated against, forced from employment or made to suffer personal loss because they have raised their voice in the public square, donated to a cause or participated in an election, our democracy is the loser,” said Elder Dallin Oaks, a member of the church’s Quorum of Twelve Apostles.

“It is one of today’s great ironies that some people who have fought so hard for LGBT rights now try to deny the rights of others to disagree with their public policy proposals,” said Elder Oaks.

The LDS Church insisted that it has not changed its doctrine, which opposes same-sex marriage and insists that sexual relations should be between a man and a woman only.

However, the LDS Church appeared to be softening its tone toward the LGBT community.
“I’d say we’re more sensitive than before. Our tone may be different. Our beliefs don’t change our doctrines are what they are,” said Elder D. Todd Christofferson, of the LDS Church’s Quorum of the Twelve, in an interview with FOX 13’s Ben Winslow.

“We sense this is an opportunity where we can come together where there is a chance to balance competing interests and rights respectfully and find a solution.”

Church leaders insisted that an LDS physician, for example, should not be forced to provide the “morning after” pill or artificial insemination for a lesbian couple. Asked by FOX 13 if municipal clerks should be required to perform same-sex marriages, Elder Oaks called it an “individual judgment.”

“That’s an individual judgment to be made according to the law and the conscience of the individual whatever his religious faith or lack of it,” he said.

The announcement by the LDS Church sent shockwaves across state politics, where a majority of representatives in the Utah State Legislature are Mormon.

“The statement made by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints today is an additional and important step to help us find common ground on these important issues,” Governor Gary Herbert said in a statement. “It will be helpful in our effort to resolve these difficult and emotional matters. I firmly believe that, in order to protect the personally held values of people on all sides, any advancement of non-discrimination legislation should be coupled with legislation to safeguard protections to religious freedom.”

“I am confident that, as elected officials, we can work together with religious, business and civic leaders as well as the LGBT community to craft policies that treat all people with dignity and respect.”

Sen. Steve Urquhart, R-St. George, who is sponsoring the LGBT non-discrimination bill again this year, told reporters he believed “a major stakeholder just jumped into this debate today” with an endorsement for his bill.

At the LDS Church’s news conference were members of the American Civil Liberties Union of Utah, as well as the conservative Utah Eagle Forum.

Utah Eagle Forum President Gayle Ruzicka later told FOX 13 she was “happy” with the Church’s stance. Ruzicka has historically opposed nondiscrimination ordinances.

“The Church said what we all believe,” she said. “It was great to have the Church make it so clear the protection of individual rights, rights of freedom and conscience… it just hasn’t been there in all these issues.”

Ruzicka said she still opposes “gender identity” in nondiscrimination bills and worried about the wording of such bills.

“They’ve got to come up with the right language that does not violate other people’s rights,” she said. “It can’t be the language they’re using right now.”

The ACLU said it had some initial concerns about the LDS Church’s stance.

“The ACLU of Utah does express some concern over the limited scope of public accommodation protection supported by the LDS Church, namely only restaurants, hotels and transportation.  Equality means that gay and transgender people should have full protection in public accommodations on par with race, gender, religion and other categories,” the group said in a statement.

Senator Jim Dabakis, D-Salt Lake City, the only openly gay lawmaker in the Utah State Legislature, applauded the move.

“I am proud that the LDS Church has seen fit to lead the way in non-discrimination. As a Church, Mormons have a long history of being the victims of discrimination and persecution,” he said in an email to FOX 13. “They understand more than most the value and strength of creating a civil society that judges people by the content of their character and their ability to do a job.”

The conservative Sutherland Institute also supported the LDS Church’s stance.

“Sutherland Institute has long called for protection of religious freedom for individuals and organizations. This principle must be reflected in any proposed legislation. Residents of Utah and citizens everywhere are entitled not just to belief, but also to the free exercise of their religious beliefs and moral conscience—both in private and in public,” the group said.

The LDS Church did support a housing/employment nondiscrimination ordinance in Salt Lake City back in 2009. Elder Oaks did not wish to address whether the LDS Church’s statement could be construed as support for federal protections for the LGBT people (known as ENDA), as they are not commenting on specific legislation.

“We believe that what we have said will be informative for the public at large and help people understand the balance we endorse,” Elder Oaks told FOX 13.

I have Probably never bene mire proud to be a member of my faith than i am right now!

i have been a fairly different thinking member of my church, than allot of the ppl i know, and love, and...respect.

i have been raised, by my mother to not discriminate, based on color, or sexual orientation, or anything of status, faith, etc...

and raised in a faith...that says, God loves EVERYONE, Jesus dies for ALL.

yet, ppl around me, had a bias. in my human real life, work, school, associates, etc, and as well, in my faith, there was a seperation.

and i couldnt ever consolidate that within myself.

how can i beling to a faith that says..God loves EVERYONE.and yet, ppl within my faith sound like allot of other faiths in the fact they condemn those of a different sexual preference? 

im a sinner, ill never NOT be a sinner...and yet, Jesus does on the cross for me. 

but not for others? yet we say he did.

its a paradox.

recently...my faith made an announcment that said, basically, Hate the sin, LOVE THE SINNER, in regards to homosexuality.

i dont have to like you lie, steal, cheat, whatever it is, but i am REQUIRED..COMMANDED, even, to LOVE you..likewise, you do not have to love me, based on anything that i may do, or do not do. but your COMMANDED to LOVE me...

i really TRY to follow this thinking. its been a fiber of me for a very long time, and for a long time, ive been the "free thinking mormon", the one who sat "outside the box" the .."back sheep" so to say in my faith.

and with the afore mentioned  announcment, i saw a change, a shift in my faith that was slowly, and openly opening a door, to the way i think..

and then this announcment, as well..right in line with my thinking.

what does it mean?
do i agree with being gay?

personally, i say..her, want to be gay? who am i to stop you? go for it. be who your heart says to be, im not going to stand in your way, and im not going to preach to you what my faith says to believe, if thats not what you want to hear.

why? because you wont hear it, and i cant change your mind.

what will i do instead? love you, anyway. like i have loved.

why stop? 

if i REALLY want to believe i am a CHRISTIAN (which means: to follow in the path of Jesus Christ, Representing Him to the FULLEST of my capability)..then THAT label, THAT LIFESTYLE, that part of my whole being...would LOVE EVERYONE REGARDLESS OF WHAT THEY DO...

PERIOD!

this is a hard change for allot of the members of my faith..allot of them still have the "old way" thinking.

and think that you have to turn your back on anyone gay to make a statement about the fact they have chosen a different lifestyle.

how is turning your back on your bother and/or sister showing them a CHRISTLIKE love?

i doesnt, yet, these ppl walk around professing to be CHRISTLIKE..

i have issues with it.

but were all on different levels of the same road, some far a head of others, and others just starting and then most of us somewhere in the middle, struggling to make sense of life, love, Religion, God, and everything in between.

i have to remember, they are human too.

and can...make mistake, just. like. me.

i am in no way, near perfect, i shall never pretend to be, and id never put myself so high on that pedistal id get knocked off..

nope. im human too. i make mistakes, and so will many of the members of my faith, in relation to this announcment.

its a step. thats all it is. 

i can appreciate the step.

based on the fact we, as a faith, todaye, over 200 years later, STILL get harassed, and  put down, for being a faith thats cionsidered NOT CHRISTIAN...we understand Persecution.

and because of that, we should be more tollerant to those others who suffer similar, for different reason, or the same reason, as we do.

its because of this, my faith has made this announcement, that all ppl should be allowed the SAME freedoms and no persecutions, no matter WHO and WHAT they are.

if your gay, you shouldnt be denied any other things simply because thats part of your lifestyle.

anymore than i should be denied anything because of my faith.

different, but the same.

its an excellent day to be a member of my faith!

im loving the shift, and loving the fact i am witness to its change.

i love my religion. it, in itself, has taught me how to be a CHRIST-LIKE individual, who looks at others with an open heart, and compassionate thinking, and loves  them, no matter what.

Michelle

I FINALLY FELT GOOD ENOUGH TO GET CHARGED BACK UP SPIRITUALLY!!!!

So, for 2 nights in a row...(didnt last a third, sadly) i actually slept 6-8 hours!
i am guessing my body REALLY needed that.
well of course it did, i have been battling a severe cough for about 12 1/2 weeks.
started the very 1st weekend in november and i still have lingering issues with it, just not bad enough i feel like im gonna die for the cough itself.
so, for 2 nights straight, i slept, and i slept hard, and i slept good!
(seriously wish i could do more of that, not sure why i cant, but its just never in the cards for me much anymore)

as aresult, the 1st day after the 1st full rest, i noticed, i wasnt hacking up a lung anymore!
2nd say, after ny 2nd full rest, i was even more healed!
that was yesterday, so, i decided i was feeling good enough to go to church.

so, today i walked back in from 3 months of being away..WOW! thats a long time!

so glad too! i miss church.
was great to be able to  be doing what i like to be doing, and i didnt think id hand this crazy sickness off to anyone...

as a result of shoeing up, i had 3 ppl hand me stuff!
ppl love me..lol (or they tolerate me, lol, one or the other, lol..whatever it is, it works for me when i get things!! LOL)

1st on the list was a young lady who had posted in a Mormon FB sale/trade/give away page some  LOOM KNITTING Plastic rings she has had that she was giving away, and i just happened to see the post just after she had posted it, and i asked for them, so today she had those for me, and its great i got them, id drool over them at the store, and craig would always think they cost too much and never get me a set, he did get me a yellow one one time, and i still have to figure out how to use them...since i dont knit, i crochet, these gice a KNITTED look to whatever it is thats being made form them..

so, i have these now, so thankful for generous ppl...and answers to silent prayers/ :)

next was an enevelope. i took a pic of the back, because the front only had address info on it, nothing really spacial, but the  envelope is from a sister who i ADORE!!! and she always thinks of me when she sends her letters off to me.

in my church (Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints AKA: Mormon), the womens auxilliaray has a set up where every female has a set of 2 females who visit them at least once a month. and this lady (Joan) has been mine for 7 of the 8 years i have lived here. 1 year we did it together. and then she went back to being my Visiting Teacher (thats what the set of ladies are called).
anyway, shes been sending me letters for a while now, mostly because shes out of town in texas allot visiting grand babies and family. but she NEVER forgets to make sure she writes...i at least get that from her. to be honest, shes a far better VT (Visiting Teacher) Than i am, lol..shes been at it allot longer, maybe thats why. lol

i always like getting her letters, cause she always has something special on it, or in it, or something for me espeically. and i like that. makes me feel loved, and...well, loved...lol lets me know she thinks of me enough to go out of her way to do something for me, i like...
this letter, was no different.
so, heres the back of it before i opened it. hated to open it too, cause i was gonna rip that sticker up, so i figured a way of doing it and not ripping it, craig thinks im nuts cause i wont damage the sticker...well, its..special, means something to me. and.,..hes a guy, hell tear into anything if its guy related, he wont care..lol
somethings are just..special and shall always remain so, with me.

heck i keep letters, i have letters still from when i was a child, and a teenager, and cards i got as a kid for birthdays and stuff...and, i have kept every letter i have been given by this wonderful woman!

Heres the back...

See? Stuff like that let you know your loved. 

Inside was this card: 

Sorry my ipads camera  didnt get the best pic, card says: 

Faith is being sure of what we HOPE forand certain of what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1

Inside there was this:

I love monkeys, and thats just...special. When you get a card and envelope covered in them. 

Wasnt my only gift..i got tjis shirt too....

Came all the way from guam! I put it on over my dress, cause i wanted to show i appreciated the thought.

It came with a smaller gift

I opened it up and found this magnet in there...

How cute is that? Lol 

And another confirmation i am loved, and thought of. Even hundreds of miles away. 

Did a little family history..noticed on Ancestry.com you can now import your family from facebook on thrre. Thats pretty cool. So i did. I have allot of family on my cousins side i didnt even know i had, so ill have to gather those names up at somepoint. 

Today was a good day.

Michelle