ITS SOMETIMES IN THE SMALLEST OF GESTURES THE GREATEST HAPPINESS & HOPE COMES

its no secret that my son struggles with a testimony of any gospel.

i believe he does believe in a higher power he calls God, but i think thats where it stops.
im not even sure he believes in a Jesus, to be honest.

hes so much like my mother, who had to look at everything with a science mind.
if it could be explained away by logic, and physics, and science, that HAD to be the way it was.
hes just the same, always looking for the answer in the science, or explanation.

never trusting and leaning on faith.

a few weeks ago, the sister missionaries and my husband and i were talking in the hallway by the family history room, and somehow daniel came up in the conversation, they asked who he was.
i knew they most likely hadnt crossed paths with him much, because they dont run in the same circles...but he is usually at church on wednesday nights, so they should have seen him, at least.

without batting an eye, craig tells them hes there, in the gym, and hes 20..and just general stuff.
i added he was super cute and handsome..lol

so, we walk down to the gym, i point him out, make sure they know who he is, and walk around to the other door to not make it look like i had anything to do with them asking him about himself.

they were talking to hm, when i walked up, and were in the middle of asking him if hed attend the Singles Family Home Evening. (a Mormon weekly family activity night).
i walked up, he right away said, he knew i had something to do with it...
but..amazing to me, he agreed to go, asked if id take him...

well, monday night came, and he decided to not go, because he got a new game for his xbox1

just now (tuesday,  february 10) i got a call from the sister missionaries...
asking if i thought daniel would be at church on wednesday, and could they talk to him.

hes better to get in person than try to obligate over the phone, if he has enough time to avoid, hell avoid. so, i told them to snag him at church on wednesday.

i also, told them to make sure they spoke with me about what to look for in his body cues for when hes listening and engaged, and when hes not, and tuned anyone out. i really do know him that well.

the point for this blog, is,
these 2 young ladies, sister missionaries for my church...who are the 1st ones who are aggressively trying.
no one else has really made an effort...
i mean they socialize with him when they see himn, ask how he is, but no ones asked him to anything to do with his age..or inquired of him anything deeper...
these 2 went straight in for the kill...
sure, its part of their job, but it still. means so much more to me...than a number.
my kids more than a statistic, more than a number on a roster, hes a soul, struggling with whats truth and not truth.

the trying these 2 ladies are doing means everything to me.

i dont expect huge landmark results, but i can hopefully see slight change, even if theres no change, i am so appreciative that SOMEONE has thought enough of my son to engage him in some religious meaning.

it frightens me, seriously makes me quiver to think, when i die, ill have no way to comfort my son in the most trying time of his life...and that alone, will break him, or build him, and i think...its will lean more towards a break.
he has been my EVERYTHING..
and i have devoted most of our lives together to my focus being on him. as he has gotten older i have pulled away, but not completely, hes still my child. ill always want the best for him, always hope for better for him, always want him to succeed...

So i wasnt sure how to end this blog...i have so much to say emotionally about it, but cant find the words, and last night (feb 12, several days since i started this entry) i was at a church function. For women. 

And the bishop (what we call a pastor) got up and started to talk about  pepper plant he was attempting to plant thats stem broke off, and he tossed the stem off to the side. 

Planted the root end, and watered and took care if his garden.

A few days later, he noticed this stem was still green, not necessarily thriving, but it wasnt dead either.
so he took that stem, because it was still alive, and plopped that thing in the ground...and it..started to grow, not like the others, it was slow, and smaller, and far less than the other plants were, but..it grew, 

and to bishop hardys amazment it produced a pepper!

And he made an analogy. 

ppl are often like the stem, tossed to the side, because the challenge to reach them seems impossible to break.

Ppl have dormant testimonies. And we think the effort, or the continual failed effort to try will lead no where with an individual. 

Were not to judge that person, for what we see as a failed effort in our part. 

Often what we do, to help a soul grow, an flourish, wont be seen by you, the gardener at hand. Its seen by others as the fruit of your efforts.

keep planting, anyway.
keep watering anyway,
keep shining, anyway

 

reminds me of this quote by Mother Theresa

 

needles to say, par for the course if who i a, thinking about my son being a tossed aside pepper stem, made me...cry..and i did...
its a common joke among those i love, that ill cry when i start to talk about my son.
its true, i do, cause my hearts so swollen for him and torn in so many directions, and so filled with love for him...it all bubbles up and spills out my eyes.
im human. forgive me.

We are all like this stem, broken, hungry, seeking to thrive. Some are stubborn, some are prideful, some are confused, some seem to not care, others dont, not right now...theres a million reasons why ppl dont have a testimony..thats not for anyone to judge them for, but to love them through.

Plant them anyway, keep watering them, shine sun on them...eventually, a fruit may come.

These 2 sister missionaries, weather they know it or not..are the gardeners for my son right now.

And maybe tonight (if he goes to church) they can catch him to talk to him...without me being there. 

And they can help to grow a struggling testimony. 

They have no idea how much i appreciate them and just the effort, even if we see no fruit come from this at all. Its the effort. The acknowledgment that Daniel IS important to God, and the entire universe. Not just to me, his mother. 

Im like any other mom out there, i want the best for my son, and i struggle inside myself with when to hang on and when to let go.

Thats where God comes in i guess, Hes there to catch when your just not sure. 

Its no secret. I love my kid with an intense passion. 

If he reads this, i want him to know, i just want you to be on the other side with me and we know each other. We wont be strangers. Well be family.

Daniel, you mean everything i have ever dreamed of, to me.

I want you to know the same joy i have within me.
But your gonna have to take a leap of faith, and trust that mysteries you can explain away are just as important as the ones, you cant, and maybe they were all designed by the same Master.
i want you, to be able to know, after this life, you can be with YOUR kids...trust me it will mean mountains of everything to know that you can.
i want you to know that no matter how hard, and difficult life is and will get (and it will trust me, oh it will!) that Gods always right there, Hell never walk away, that you can be and do ANYTHING and hell always still love you, more than even i do..
i want you to know that every promise, and blessing in the bible, and give to you, and told to you, can..be all yours!
i want you to know that, i have done everything for you..so you could have what i didnt, and part of that i failed on, and i am sorry, i negelcted the church part, i never helpped you fevelop a good foundation in the gosple, and thats comepletely on me...and i take ownership and repsonisbility for that. i wont deny, in that area i sucked as a mother.
but you have freedome and accountability now, and cant crutch on my mistake as your reasons for not  seeking the higher road, and the deeper meaning.
your old enough now, to walk this path, like i had to, on my own, with no one there, to figure it all out.
trust, Daniel.that the steps TOWARDS God, will be good and rewarding, dont look for it to fail...look for the blessings.
always remember we have to suffer the stor before we can ever see the rainbow, so it is with life, trials and tribulations, and heartache, and pain will always preceade peace, and happiness.
always in the middle of an issue, seek the rainbow..

Just trust, Daniel, my best advice is to Trust in God. He wont let you down.
His answers wont be on your time, always on his, but hell always answer. Always!

I love you, mamma

HES ALMOST LIKE THE PRODIGAL SON...

we all (or most anyway) have heard the story (from the Bible) of the Prodigal Son.
of you have not, ill refresh your memory, without going itno any bible text to do it and throw a modern spin on it so it makes sense for today.,..

The parable begins with a young man, the younger of two sons, who asks his father to give him his share of the estate. The implication is the son couldn't wait for his father's death for his inheritance, he wanted it immediately. The father agrees and divides his estate between both sons.
Upon receiving his portion of the inheritance, the younger son travels to a distant country and wastes all his money in extravagant living. Immediately thereafter, a famine strikes the land; he becomes desperately poor and is forced to take work as a swineherd. (This would have been abhorrent to Jesus' Jewish audience, who considered swine unclean animals.) When he reaches the point of envying the food of the pigs he is watching, he finally comes to his senses.

the son prepares a speach, to reunite with his father and ask to be a work hand.

 The son does not even have time to finish his rehearsed speech, since the father calls for his servants to dress him in a fine robe, a ring, and sandals, and slaughter the "fattened calf" for a celebratory meal.
The older son, who was at work in the fields, hears the sound of celebration, and is told about the return of his younger brother. He is not impressed, and becomes angry.

The parable concludes with the father explaining to the older son that because the younger son had returned, in a sense, from the dead, celebration was necessary.

this is almost an exact story of my ex-husband and his family (mom & Dad divorced with other family now, and 3 siblings with spouses and children.)
he walked away, returned 5 years later unannounced and with a wife and 3 year old in tow.
we were welcomed and  loved by everyone.
but then, when my son was 6, he did it again, and this time we were also included in the missingness of the life he chose.

i saw the notification, opened it up, and was surprised to see it was from my ex sister in law cathy.

she was asking to get in touch with Daniel (my son), as her mother, Delores Dean (Dans Mother) had passed away.

i was in shock. and so hurt, for her, her mother was a really nice woman.

so i told Daniel to check his messages and he saw she had one, and they spoke to each other about the thing she was needing to get in touch with him about.

i asked if she wanted me to try to find Dan (my ex) and tell him.

she never told me i couldnt, just that SHE didnt feel the need to inform him.

see, my ex basically has left his family wondering about him.(prodigal son)

when i knew where he was and i had found cathy, i informed her. she wasnt to thrilled to know about him, and wasnt to thrilled to know i made contact, she never friended me when i had asked her to.
i had shared his info with her, but i doubt she wrote him. 

im not really sure why she didnt want to have contact with me.... im not her brother. but regardless, it was a shock to see her messaging me to get in touch with my son.

so, im put in a precarious place, i have info i really feel is something Dan should be told, its his mother after all...but his family doesnt  feel they want to deliver it. not that he shouldnt have it, but that they dont feel the need to reunite with him, after he has walked away from them 2 times (that i know of now) and  have him do it again.

he did it to me as well, when my son was 6, he left. never looked back.

i have tried all my power and might to forgive him, and allow him the opportunity to know his son.

its by divine powers that i even knew where he was when i found him. i had written a blog about our marriage, for my son, as a family history kind of moment, and a month or two later someone contacted me to tell me she thought my ex husband was someone she knew. we exchanged info, and i knew, just from a few things she told me he was the same person. well, she told me he was incarcerated and for what, and i went and  did some searches on him online and found his prison, and his inmate number, and an address to write him.

so, i did.

just before he was released i sent him a Christmas card. let him know i knew where he was and why, and that i still had Daniel. and offered him the chance then to speak, write to his son. explain himself, say he was sorry, repent, ask forgiveness...
he had been contacted by my Adoption lawyer for removal of parental rights when Daniel was 16 so my current husband could adopt him and Daniel could have our last names, i just didnt feel it was right to have Daniel keep Dans last name, if i had remarried, and his dad wasnt in his life anymore, i wanted my son to be able to have the new last name as well. so we filed for adoption, and that info i was given was the access and avenue to have Dan served with the papers to allow for the proceedings to go forward.

after he was released he got on Facebook, made a fake account, and chatted with me a few times. we talked mostly through emails back and forth. nothing special. but he did give me a number to a place he was staying at. (he timed out of that halfway facility, and has since been listed as under a bridge)

so, i called it one day, and got him on the phone, and then handed the phone over to Daniel. and they spoke.

that was the last time i heard from him.

hes been MIA ever since, but because he had to register, i have an address for him, which isnt a REAL address, not like a house number and street, its a general area. address is..under a bridge. actually, between 2 streets and listed as "underpass" (by him, of course).

no, im not lying. hes homeless. and even that hurts my heart.

so, with this new news i have to try to figure out how to get this info to him, and im not really sure how.

i have a few ideas...

one- email/mail all the local shelters with  a letter and his face on it, so they can try to make sure they spot him.

two- same for all his local soup kitchens. may be the same places as the shelters.

three- get in touch with my church there in the area where he last had an address, and see if hes tried to make contact with my faith, for any assistance.

he should know his mom has passed away.

i had to tell him his dad passed away a month before he was released this last time.  i found the obituary for his death online. sent that info to him. and he was released a month later.

such devastating news.

when i posted this info in facebook, and the fact i felt i needed to try to find him, i had ppl saying things to me like "your a better person than me", most were for comfort for my son, Dan and his family. but that one comment struck me...

i would hope, whatever pain i may cause anyone else in this life i would be forgiven for it.

he walked away, and yes thats a bad thing to do to a 6 year old, but ya know what? we made it, my kids not into drugs, doesnt drink, doesnt hang out with his buddies after dark, has a job (all be i a part time weekend one, thats 3rd shift, its still..a job), hes not anxious to drive...to date, to do anything his age is normally always doing and getting in trouble for.

im a stronger woman because Dan walked away. His choice bettered us.

and i feel, at some level i have forgiven him.

on a level, i also still love him. im not IN LOVE with him (huge difference) but i do, still love him.

i feel i can still love dan, because we do share a history, im just never going to ever be IN love with him. he ruined that when he left.
i am actually..grateful he left, not because he was a bad man, no, im greatful because i wouldnt be who i am today had he stayed. im a better person, and stronger for that trial i was forced to bear, and i hope it did good for my son, as well.
the ONLY thing i regret, is that Dan hasnt told Daniel why he left, and i feel Daniel is owed that much.
its not about how i hurt, i was an adult, our son, was 6. and it may have impacted him in ways i have no idea, just because he looks ok on the surface, doesnt  mean he is.

and now, i have this information i feel he should have. and i dont know if ill ever be able to give it to him.

so, im hunting.

found some shelters online, a few have email addresses, so, ill start there.

HOLY FAMILY SHELTER
Google+page
907 North Holmes Ave

Indianapolis, IN(317) 635-7830

WHEELER MISSION MINISTERIES
Google + page

245 North Delaware Street
Indianapolis, IN
(317) 636-2720

DAYSPRINGS CENTER
Google+ page

1537 Central Avenue
Indianapolis, IN
(317) 635-6780


GOOD NEWS MINISTERIES 
Google+ page 

2716 East Washington Street
Indianapolis, IN
(317) 638-2862

HORIZON HOUSE INC
Google+ page
1033 East Washington Street

Indianapolis, IN(317) 423-8909

COALITION FOR HOMELESSNESS

Google+ page

3737 North Meridian Street
Indianapolis, IN
(317) 630-0853

ok, and since i know the address he reported, when he did last, i can assume hed frequent or visit one of the missions close to him where he address was listed at, again, its an underpass under a bridge.

this is the shelters, is till have to look at addresses for soup kitchens which could be as many, more, or even less...

7 soup kitchens. one more than shelters and actually ONE of the shelters is also a soup kitchen.

CENTENARY CHRISTIAN CHURCH

1035 North Oxford Street
Indianapolis, IN
(317) 639-1481

WHEELER MISSION MINISTERIES
Google + page

245 North Delaware Street
Indianapolis, IN
(317) 636-2720

SECOND HELPINGS INC. 
1121 Southeastern Avenue, 
Indianapolis, IN 46202

(317) 632-2664

COMMUNITY CARING AND SHARING 

Google+ page 
 2830 South Holt Road, Indianapolis, IN 46241

(317) 243-8023

MOUNT OLIVE MISSIONARY BAPTIST 

Google+ page ^^^

1003 West 16th Street Indianapolis, IN 46202

(317) 634-9178

GLEANERS FOOD BANK OF INDIANA 
3737 Waldemere Avenue, Indianapolis, IN 46241

(317) 925-0191

LINWOOD CHRISTIAN CHURCH 

Google+ page ^^^^

Indianapolis, IN 46201

(317) 357-8771

 soooo..all together thats...12 places to message, and or send a message to in the attempt to get this
info to Dan somehow. as he has every right to know about his mother, just because hes distanced 
himself from his family (for whatever reason) and they have chosen NOT to forgive that offense
doesnt mean this information ISNT his to have. its as much his as any of theirs.

so, im taking it upon myself to try to locate this man, who has damaged, and hurt my family..
and taking the higher road, and even tho i know nothing can come of this but more pain...
im going to try to deliver this message to him, because thats his mother. and he should know.

i have a long haul ahead of me in this venture.  without any certain outcome, heck, he may not even be
in Indiana any longer. i have NO idea, but THAT just makes it that much harder to find him, and get 
him this info thats all his to have,

remember, at some point we are all a prodigal child. 
i know if my son left, and went unknown, id be so thankful he had returned, even if it meant more pain 
afterwards. 
id be devestated if i was Dan and didnt know about my moms passing.
it was hard enough as it was when my own mother passed 12 years ago, but to not know....id have been 
shattered.

now, i could be compeltely wrong, and this may have no effect on him what so ever.
but its not my info to keep. 


but...
i WILL try.
i will start on these tomorrow...
i still have to try to find an obituary for her online, im sure her family did one. 
if i can find that, ill include that in my letters and emails. 

Michelle