ZAZZLE - "ITS MY BIRTHDAY AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY T-SHIRT" (shirt creation)

so, the other day, on my birthday, we were out and about, running around trying to get parts to fix the break on my car.

we happened to be at an auto parts place, and i mentioned it was my birthday...would they give us a discount (i was kidding! didnt expect anything to happen) and the manager, applied a 5% discount in the wiper blades for us!
folks, it never hurts to announce your events, seriously!

**inside tip..if you go to ON THE BOARDER, and tell them its your birthday, or anniversary, you get a free desert!

so, we were thankful, left there to head to another store to get something else, and i mentioned going in i should just have a shirt from zazzle, that says.."ots my birthday"

so craig said:
"one that says: Its my birthday and all i got was this lousy t-shirt"

i said that was funny! (cause it kinda is, lol)
said if go home and make the thing, which i did

this shirt, can be found at:

my zazzle store

im going to order one, and wear it next year on my birthday.
maybe if im out ans about ppl will just give us discounts, and freebies cause i have the shirt on..lol

Michelle

I WALKED IN & AND BACK OUT, But Not Without Some Info (Got my toes wet)

so, im STILL thinking about joining 10Gym, and last night at church, i was talking about it..

said i was afraid, because ppl would be looking at me...

took the kid to his job, went by and sat in the parkinglot like a stalker, lol...
and saw ppl going in, and coming out.

and one guy..renewed his membership.

so, i took a deep breath, and mustered every single nerve within me, to walk right up to the door.

took another deep breath, and opened that door.
then another deep one, to open the 2nd door, and...walk up to the desk.

now if anyone who knows me knows me well enough to know i chatter, allot, i do it even more so when my nerves are on edge, and..it was so..

i walked right up to the desk, this cute, handsome, HUNK (ugh, hate myself sometimes) turned around and was looking at me, as i babbled on and on and on about the fact i had been bascially, challeneged to just..."get the tour" to see what the gym was like.

thats all i was there for, "feeling" the place out.

his names Andrew, by the way. hes got Greek heritage in him, lol. came from washington state, because of a girl hes been dating for 2 years, not gonna ssk her to get married to hes finaicially able, and hes headed back to take care of family (a sick uncle, with cancer) on sunday...
yup..he told me every bit of that, lol

i asked questions, ALLOT of questions,

do you have treadmills?
yes, 3 different kinds, right behind the desk, thats out Cardio equipment. and we looked them over.

whats the deal with paym,ents, if i want to pay in cash can i?
yes, you come in the day before your dues are due, and pay cash, OR you can get a prepaid, allot of ppl dont have a bank, and they load up a prepaid with a few month/ a year, and pay with that prepaid.

do you think that guy standing over there looking at me is looking at me cause im awesome?
i didnt ask that..lol
and no one looked at me until they were looking at him and waving goodbuy..

all of them smiles, every last guy in the place that was working out, who i made eye contact with, smiled at me...

there was a chick or two in there, but not too many..

no one was talking, they were ALL working out.

so, i got my toes wet, so to speak...
i went IN, and got info, and walked back out with it in my hand to tell craig..

i deserve this. and maybe if i have to pay to do it, ill actually...do it.
cause ill feel guilty, if i dont.

1 year contract (for a program with no contract, lol) 49.00
and  monthly payments of 19.00.

but i get ZUMBA, cardio (treadmill) and any number of other things i may want to engage in within a year...

heck. i could couch-to-5K there! right on a treadmill!
start off slow, work my way up to a run...

maybe i will!

maybe i will...

Michelle

"YOU SHOULD DO SOMETHING FOR YOURSELF. SOMETHING THAT WILL MAKE YOU A BETTER PERSON"

so, i guess yesterday, or rather, last night was a "break through" of sorts, i drove home tonight after dropping the kid off at work, and thought about last night and how i felt, and  just everything in general.

and had the impression i needed to do something...for me.
something id want..
something that..would make me..a better person.

what we each think to make us better is individual.
theres not one thing that all can do to achieve this marker. you have to figure this out for yourself.

so...what do i want?
for me?
that would make me a better person?

its crazy, cause its so NOT my thing..
but i want to join a gym, and work out..

heres my reasons.

1)- im fat. not gonna lie, i am. its the truth, while i am NOT AS FAT as i was, i still have weight.
i had gastric surgery..in march, 4 years ago? or was it 5 now? id have to go check my youtube for that..lol
anyway, ive lost 60-70 pounds since then, but have stalled. i havnt gained anything back, but i also have not lost anything more.
and im SUPPOSED to be (by their scale) 100 pounds lighter. theyd like me to be at 160.
thats 100.pounds (roughly) to go. 20 more off, would mean i hit halfway to that goal (if im doing my math right, i suck at math so my numbers can be way off).

found this quote i liked, thought it was fitting for this part of my blog

personally, i feel 160, is too small...and id fit a 180 MUCH better and still feel ok about myself.
if thats my goal (and personally, to me it is) i only have 80 more to go. i like that number..MUCH better..lol

2)- i had a heart attack a couple of years ago. so i really need to attempt to build that muscle up to something after that damage (which was minimal, but still..damage)

3)- i deserve this. this is for me. my gift, to myself...and my husband, and my son, and all the ppl who know me, love me, hate ,e and are indifferent to me. it helping me to stay around.

so, naturally, this will require a commitment, to myself to obtain.
and i have thought about this for a long time..rolled it around in my head (and heart) and been thinking about joining a gym.

i am such a weinie when it comes to ppl looking at me, and..judging me.
even tho, im a strong personality, i have this fear, that ppl will judge me based on my weight. and  it happens. even as an adult, i experience it, i get stares and glares, and condecending looks from ppl , but i usually just brush that stuff off...
and i say to ppl all the time, "that persons opinion of you doesnt matter, what matters is YOUR opinion of you"
yet, for this, for some odd reason, it matters to me...
another thing to work through, i guess, another demon to face and vanquish.

so yeah, i have issues, lol (who doesnt, lol)

last month i was invited to 1gym with a church freind, for thursday morning, and i had to cancel out a couple of times...mainly because im on the kids schedule, and up half the night and then i go get him, and have a really hard time trying to swap my shedule artound to accomodate the morning zumba hours, when im just ready for sleep..

but, at the same time, after i drop him off at work, i am absolutly wired!
and its come to my thinking, why not burn that off..somehow, by, oh say, tripping into the gym after youve dropped him off, and ...oh say...walking on the treadmill for an hour?

on his off days, i could go in in the am, or afternoon...

hers my local 10gyms schedule. it would be awesome if there was one closer to the kid, so i could just  go in and not worry about that drive to get to it, its like 10 minutes from my house. but either way, i guess, its a long drive, id just think after a good walk, id be thinking about that and not my mom so much.

heres the hours...
i was reading some of the comments that ppl had rated the place and the fact that they say they are open 24 hours and then they arnt was a huge issue for some, but im not too worried about that, because id hit it when i could...

when i take the kid to work its late wednesdays,, thursdays, and fridays. fridays im with craig, we take the kid together, just because its  harder for me to see at night, and i like being with him, we can share some time together...so we do that together, so i dont think, if be going to the gym on a friday night...they wouldnt be open when ive taken daniel to work, anyway.

so, for 2 nights i could go in and walk allot of steam off, if i wanted to.
and danisl days off (saturday, sunday, monday, tuesday) i can go in and do my thing during the day time...
i like that they have zumba on 3 of those days...(tuesday, thursday, saturday)
i can skip thrusday if im walking, OR..i could do a double up, and do zumba that morning, and walking that night to make up for the one day i wont have anything to do...

so my schedule for this place could look like this somewhat:

SUNDAY- 8am-8pm, walk on treadmill

MONDAY-5am(open)-walk in treadmill

TUESDAY-9:15am: ZUMBA

WEDNESDAY-(kid to work) walk on treadmill

THURSDAY-9:15am ZUMBA (kid to work)/ walk on treadmill

FRIDAY-before close (10pm) walk on treadmill

SATURDAY 6am-8pm- 11:15am ZUMBA

even if i never did any ZUMBA (id like to build myself up to that, to be honest), id get 3-5 days of walking in...and thats healthy.

so, tonight, on the way back from taking the kid into work, i drove into the parkinglot, anytime wed drive by id try to see what it looked like from the road, and never could, tonight, i was in the parking lot..alone. and drive past the front doors where i could see the exercise equipment, looked like a ton of weigh machines, i didnt notice any treadmills, but im sure there were some...
crazy as it is, at 11pm, theres like 20 cars in that lot. insane. mostly guys.
ugh. all buff looking too. double ugh.

not my favorite fan base, but what the heck, maybe they will gain an appreciation for someone MY age (lol, 47, not like im geriatric or anything..lol) whos overweight, and trying her best to drop..20 pounds...thats my 1st goal.

make the goals attainable...not unreasonable.
work how ever long it takes to get to that goal.
appreciate the effort, the reward will be amazing! (hard, no doubt, but AMAZING!)

so thats the plan...now, when will i start this? who knows..lol maybe ill swing by tomorrow afternoon and do it.
its a monthly charge on my card. 20.00 i have 60+ on it now, and extra in cash i can put on it..

have to say, i am thankful i am babysitting, which can feed this for me as im working this...
perfect payments too. :)

i even have an outfit i had went and got, new exercize pants, and shoes  and a shirt, just to work out in, and i have yet to break any of that in...
i can at least do that..lol use that as the excuse to break in those new NEON YELLOW SHOES i got to do all this in..lol

Michelle

MAYBE IT JUST "IS WHAT IT IS & THATS ALL IT HAS TO BE"

cryptic i know, for a title.

i do allot of self discovery in my life.
allot of soulful searching.
allot of thinking.
allot of tslking to myself to figure stuff out, and no i dont mean in a way to make me sound crazy.
its mostly in my head when im talking to myslf, only voice i hear..is mine, no worries.

i do a TON of it after i have dropped ,my son off at work, and the drive home, long and lonely..

and its usually during this time, i think about my mom, and how much i miss her...
i really REALLY miss her.
its been 12 years. and i still cry. i did tonight, on the way home.

im not sure other than i miss her why i feel im required to carry her burden around inside of me.
do i think its the LAST part of her, and letting it go means ill forget her? i dont thoink thats even a logical statement to make to myself, because i have yet to have forgotten her in these 12 years since she passed away.
is it it has been infused into the fiber of who i ma that letting go, and feeling freedom, and release isnt something i am familair with?
is it i like to wallow in the misery? (shed say that was it.)

self disvovery is the willingness to walk into an unknown area insode your self, and face your worst demons.
maybe i am familiar with the demons to the point i have accepted them.
but if that were truth, why do they make me hurt?
why would ANYONE enjoy the pain?

i know some ppl feel alive with the pain, and thats how they live life, to feel hurt, means they feel alive...but thats not the case with me.

i hurt, and really really deeply hurt for my mother, and myself.

she was so unhappy. i didnt know it then, of course, i thought she was, but since her passing, and the self discovry of myself without her, i have come to a place that can tell me, because i cn see it so clear, thats she didnt love herself. therefore, she wasnt happy.
and i had to bear the pain of all that she endured.
mentlaly, and emotionally.

now, i am slowly walking my way through this dark tunnel and seeing a light at the ned of it, brilliant and beautiful, and warm...
but at the same time, i know i am leaving part of her back in that dark, place. and i dont want to.

i want to carry her out with me, and have her see the light, and the joy, and the warmth, because it is beautiful!
but..shes gone.

like dust, its all memory..and wisps away...

tonight i was asking God to relase me form this pain, and this burdern, and THIS..whatever this is i feel i have to endure...

and as i was self talking to myself, in an open prayer to God...

it came to me, "it is what it is, and its all it has to be, you cant change the past. its done, and its over. start to focus on tomorrow, because you have that in your horizon."

of course ill have to live this to make it a part of my life, and im sure ill have days when im lost, and confused and hurting...

i can say, this past Christmas (2014) was the 1st time in 12 years i was excited for the holiday. i didnt weep, didnt cry, and minimally thought of her.
i think im overcoming.
and it feels..WONDERFUL!!

so, heres to a new year, and a new thought process...
LIVE IN THE MOMENT...not in the past.
"it is what it is, and thats all it has to be"

Michelle