cryptic i know, for a title.
i do allot of self discovery in my life.
allot of soulful searching.
allot of thinking.
allot of tslking to myself to figure stuff out, and no i dont mean in a way to make me sound crazy.
its mostly in my head when im talking to myslf, only voice i hear..is mine, no worries.
i do a TON of it after i have dropped ,my son off at work, and the drive home, long and lonely..
and its usually during this time, i think about my mom, and how much i miss her...
i really REALLY miss her.
its been 12 years. and i still cry. i did tonight, on the way home.
im not sure other than i miss her why i feel im required to carry her burden around inside of me.
do i think its the LAST part of her, and letting it go means ill forget her? i dont thoink thats even a logical statement to make to myself, because i have yet to have forgotten her in these 12 years since she passed away.
is it it has been infused into the fiber of who i ma that letting go, and feeling freedom, and release isnt something i am familair with?
is it i like to wallow in the misery? (shed say that was it.)
self disvovery is the willingness to walk into an unknown area insode your self, and face your worst demons.
maybe i am familiar with the demons to the point i have accepted them.
but if that were truth, why do they make me hurt?
why would ANYONE enjoy the pain?
i know some ppl feel alive with the pain, and thats how they live life, to feel hurt, means they feel alive...but thats not the case with me.
i hurt, and really really deeply hurt for my mother, and myself.
she was so unhappy. i didnt know it then, of course, i thought she was, but since her passing, and the self discovry of myself without her, i have come to a place that can tell me, because i cn see it so clear, thats she didnt love herself. therefore, she wasnt happy.
and i had to bear the pain of all that she endured.
mentlaly, and emotionally.
now, i am slowly walking my way through this dark tunnel and seeing a light at the ned of it, brilliant and beautiful, and warm...
but at the same time, i know i am leaving part of her back in that dark, place. and i dont want to.
i want to carry her out with me, and have her see the light, and the joy, and the warmth, because it is beautiful!
but..shes gone.
like dust, its all memory..and wisps away...
tonight i was asking God to relase me form this pain, and this burdern, and THIS..whatever this is i feel i have to endure...
and as i was self talking to myself, in an open prayer to God...
it came to me, "it is what it is, and its all it has to be, you cant change the past. its done, and its over. start to focus on tomorrow, because you have that in your horizon."
of course ill have to live this to make it a part of my life, and im sure ill have days when im lost, and confused and hurting...
i can say, this past Christmas (2014) was the 1st time in 12 years i was excited for the holiday. i didnt weep, didnt cry, and minimally thought of her.
i think im overcoming.
and it feels..WONDERFUL!!
so, heres to a new year, and a new thought process...
LIVE IN THE MOMENT...not in the past.
"it is what it is, and thats all it has to be"
Michelle
i do allot of self discovery in my life.
allot of soulful searching.
allot of thinking.
allot of tslking to myself to figure stuff out, and no i dont mean in a way to make me sound crazy.
its mostly in my head when im talking to myslf, only voice i hear..is mine, no worries.
i do a TON of it after i have dropped ,my son off at work, and the drive home, long and lonely..
and its usually during this time, i think about my mom, and how much i miss her...
i really REALLY miss her.
its been 12 years. and i still cry. i did tonight, on the way home.
im not sure other than i miss her why i feel im required to carry her burden around inside of me.
do i think its the LAST part of her, and letting it go means ill forget her? i dont thoink thats even a logical statement to make to myself, because i have yet to have forgotten her in these 12 years since she passed away.
is it it has been infused into the fiber of who i ma that letting go, and feeling freedom, and release isnt something i am familair with?
is it i like to wallow in the misery? (shed say that was it.)
self disvovery is the willingness to walk into an unknown area insode your self, and face your worst demons.
maybe i am familiar with the demons to the point i have accepted them.
but if that were truth, why do they make me hurt?
why would ANYONE enjoy the pain?
i hurt, and really really deeply hurt for my mother, and myself.
she was so unhappy. i didnt know it then, of course, i thought she was, but since her passing, and the self discovry of myself without her, i have come to a place that can tell me, because i cn see it so clear, thats she didnt love herself. therefore, she wasnt happy.
and i had to bear the pain of all that she endured.
mentlaly, and emotionally.
now, i am slowly walking my way through this dark tunnel and seeing a light at the ned of it, brilliant and beautiful, and warm...
but at the same time, i know i am leaving part of her back in that dark, place. and i dont want to.
i want to carry her out with me, and have her see the light, and the joy, and the warmth, because it is beautiful!
but..shes gone.
like dust, its all memory..and wisps away...
tonight i was asking God to relase me form this pain, and this burdern, and THIS..whatever this is i feel i have to endure...
and as i was self talking to myself, in an open prayer to God...
it came to me, "it is what it is, and its all it has to be, you cant change the past. its done, and its over. start to focus on tomorrow, because you have that in your horizon."
of course ill have to live this to make it a part of my life, and im sure ill have days when im lost, and confused and hurting...
i can say, this past Christmas (2014) was the 1st time in 12 years i was excited for the holiday. i didnt weep, didnt cry, and minimally thought of her.
i think im overcoming.
and it feels..WONDERFUL!!
so, heres to a new year, and a new thought process...
LIVE IN THE MOMENT...not in the past.
"it is what it is, and thats all it has to be"
Michelle
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