ITS SOMETIMES IN THE SMALLEST OF GESTURES THE GREATEST HAPPINESS & HOPE COMES

its no secret that my son struggles with a testimony of any gospel.

i believe he does believe in a higher power he calls God, but i think thats where it stops.
im not even sure he believes in a Jesus, to be honest.

hes so much like my mother, who had to look at everything with a science mind.
if it could be explained away by logic, and physics, and science, that HAD to be the way it was.
hes just the same, always looking for the answer in the science, or explanation.

never trusting and leaning on faith.

a few weeks ago, the sister missionaries and my husband and i were talking in the hallway by the family history room, and somehow daniel came up in the conversation, they asked who he was.
i knew they most likely hadnt crossed paths with him much, because they dont run in the same circles...but he is usually at church on wednesday nights, so they should have seen him, at least.

without batting an eye, craig tells them hes there, in the gym, and hes 20..and just general stuff.
i added he was super cute and handsome..lol

so, we walk down to the gym, i point him out, make sure they know who he is, and walk around to the other door to not make it look like i had anything to do with them asking him about himself.

they were talking to hm, when i walked up, and were in the middle of asking him if hed attend the Singles Family Home Evening. (a Mormon weekly family activity night).
i walked up, he right away said, he knew i had something to do with it...
but..amazing to me, he agreed to go, asked if id take him...

well, monday night came, and he decided to not go, because he got a new game for his xbox1

just now (tuesday,  february 10) i got a call from the sister missionaries...
asking if i thought daniel would be at church on wednesday, and could they talk to him.

hes better to get in person than try to obligate over the phone, if he has enough time to avoid, hell avoid. so, i told them to snag him at church on wednesday.

i also, told them to make sure they spoke with me about what to look for in his body cues for when hes listening and engaged, and when hes not, and tuned anyone out. i really do know him that well.

the point for this blog, is,
these 2 young ladies, sister missionaries for my church...who are the 1st ones who are aggressively trying.
no one else has really made an effort...
i mean they socialize with him when they see himn, ask how he is, but no ones asked him to anything to do with his age..or inquired of him anything deeper...
these 2 went straight in for the kill...
sure, its part of their job, but it still. means so much more to me...than a number.
my kids more than a statistic, more than a number on a roster, hes a soul, struggling with whats truth and not truth.

the trying these 2 ladies are doing means everything to me.

i dont expect huge landmark results, but i can hopefully see slight change, even if theres no change, i am so appreciative that SOMEONE has thought enough of my son to engage him in some religious meaning.

it frightens me, seriously makes me quiver to think, when i die, ill have no way to comfort my son in the most trying time of his life...and that alone, will break him, or build him, and i think...its will lean more towards a break.
he has been my EVERYTHING..
and i have devoted most of our lives together to my focus being on him. as he has gotten older i have pulled away, but not completely, hes still my child. ill always want the best for him, always hope for better for him, always want him to succeed...

So i wasnt sure how to end this blog...i have so much to say emotionally about it, but cant find the words, and last night (feb 12, several days since i started this entry) i was at a church function. For women. 

And the bishop (what we call a pastor) got up and started to talk about  pepper plant he was attempting to plant thats stem broke off, and he tossed the stem off to the side. 

Planted the root end, and watered and took care if his garden.

A few days later, he noticed this stem was still green, not necessarily thriving, but it wasnt dead either.
so he took that stem, because it was still alive, and plopped that thing in the ground...and it..started to grow, not like the others, it was slow, and smaller, and far less than the other plants were, but..it grew, 

and to bishop hardys amazment it produced a pepper!

And he made an analogy. 

ppl are often like the stem, tossed to the side, because the challenge to reach them seems impossible to break.

Ppl have dormant testimonies. And we think the effort, or the continual failed effort to try will lead no where with an individual. 

Were not to judge that person, for what we see as a failed effort in our part. 

Often what we do, to help a soul grow, an flourish, wont be seen by you, the gardener at hand. Its seen by others as the fruit of your efforts.

keep planting, anyway.
keep watering anyway,
keep shining, anyway

 

reminds me of this quote by Mother Theresa

 

needles to say, par for the course if who i a, thinking about my son being a tossed aside pepper stem, made me...cry..and i did...
its a common joke among those i love, that ill cry when i start to talk about my son.
its true, i do, cause my hearts so swollen for him and torn in so many directions, and so filled with love for him...it all bubbles up and spills out my eyes.
im human. forgive me.

We are all like this stem, broken, hungry, seeking to thrive. Some are stubborn, some are prideful, some are confused, some seem to not care, others dont, not right now...theres a million reasons why ppl dont have a testimony..thats not for anyone to judge them for, but to love them through.

Plant them anyway, keep watering them, shine sun on them...eventually, a fruit may come.

These 2 sister missionaries, weather they know it or not..are the gardeners for my son right now.

And maybe tonight (if he goes to church) they can catch him to talk to him...without me being there. 

And they can help to grow a struggling testimony. 

They have no idea how much i appreciate them and just the effort, even if we see no fruit come from this at all. Its the effort. The acknowledgment that Daniel IS important to God, and the entire universe. Not just to me, his mother. 

Im like any other mom out there, i want the best for my son, and i struggle inside myself with when to hang on and when to let go.

Thats where God comes in i guess, Hes there to catch when your just not sure. 

Its no secret. I love my kid with an intense passion. 

If he reads this, i want him to know, i just want you to be on the other side with me and we know each other. We wont be strangers. Well be family.

Daniel, you mean everything i have ever dreamed of, to me.

I want you to know the same joy i have within me.
But your gonna have to take a leap of faith, and trust that mysteries you can explain away are just as important as the ones, you cant, and maybe they were all designed by the same Master.
i want you, to be able to know, after this life, you can be with YOUR kids...trust me it will mean mountains of everything to know that you can.
i want you to know that no matter how hard, and difficult life is and will get (and it will trust me, oh it will!) that Gods always right there, Hell never walk away, that you can be and do ANYTHING and hell always still love you, more than even i do..
i want you to know that every promise, and blessing in the bible, and give to you, and told to you, can..be all yours!
i want you to know that, i have done everything for you..so you could have what i didnt, and part of that i failed on, and i am sorry, i negelcted the church part, i never helpped you fevelop a good foundation in the gosple, and thats comepletely on me...and i take ownership and repsonisbility for that. i wont deny, in that area i sucked as a mother.
but you have freedome and accountability now, and cant crutch on my mistake as your reasons for not  seeking the higher road, and the deeper meaning.
your old enough now, to walk this path, like i had to, on my own, with no one there, to figure it all out.
trust, Daniel.that the steps TOWARDS God, will be good and rewarding, dont look for it to fail...look for the blessings.
always remember we have to suffer the stor before we can ever see the rainbow, so it is with life, trials and tribulations, and heartache, and pain will always preceade peace, and happiness.
always in the middle of an issue, seek the rainbow..

Just trust, Daniel, my best advice is to Trust in God. He wont let you down.
His answers wont be on your time, always on his, but hell always answer. Always!

I love you, mamma

BECAUSE ITS A CAUSE....CAPS FOR CHEMO KIDS...OR...HAPPY CAPS

So, at hubbys company party, i cnat remember how weceven got tonthe dubject, to be honest, but it came up ( by myself) that i crochet.

All pf a sudden, the woman i was talking to got all excited and mentioned that hubbys company has a cause they are invovled with.

It was news to me, and this was my 3rd company party i was attending gor this vimpany.

Anyway, she wasctelling me aboutbthis cause where they wnated ppl who could crochet, knit, loom, (im adding sewing) can make caps and hats forvtheseckidscin this cause that havevto go through chemo thereapy. 

She didnt havevto sell me, i was allready intrigued when she said cause..lol

It just happens i crochet, so my talent can becused for this. 

The basics (and im repeting what i was told im still awaiting an official email to give me details) arecthat we take the time to create the caps/ hats and they pay for the yarn.

Im not sure if theybpay for shipping, but im willing to do thatbto get abgroup going for this  cause.

So i posted a blip aboutbit in a group i adim, had ppl interested. 

Made a post on facebook, and more ppl

Now, i want to make another group, just for this to keep info in one place, share patterns, ideas, pics, etc...

This is a good thing.

Im so pleased my hubbys comapny is investing in this cause. 

So much good can come from doing something dor someone else.

More info to come.

Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/ellieshats

Web page: http://ellieshats.org

Hubbys workplace on the webpage and why they decided this cause

http://ellieshats.org/foxhole-technology-helps-launch-ellies-brigade/

Michelle

STORY - Everyone Was Warned Not to Touch Him – But This Guy Did

Everyone Was Warned Not to Touch Him – But This Guy Did

Yvonne Holterman | January 13, 2015

Original online story can be found here.

Man picks this cat up off the ground and tries to carry him home. Then something heartbreaking happens…
(grab a tissue, this may make your heart melt.)

Everyone in the apartment complex where I lived knew who Ugly was. Ugly was the resident Tomcat.

Ugly loved three things in this world: fighting eating, garbage, and shall we say love. The combination of these things combined with the life spend outside had their effect on Ugly.
To start with, he only had one eye, and where the other should of been was a gaping hole. He was also missing his ear on the other side, his left foot appeared to have been badly broken at one time. and he healed at an unnatural angle, making him look like he was always turning the corner. His tail has long since been lost, leaving only the smallest stub, which he would constantly jerk and twitch. Ugly would have been a dark gray tabby striped- type, except for the sores covering his head, neck, even his shoulders with thick, yellowing scabs.

Every time someone saw Ugly there was the same reaction. “That’s one Ugly cat!!”

All the children were warned not to touch him, the adults threw rocks at him, hosed him down, squirted him when he tried to come close to their homes, or shut his paws in the door when he would not leave.

Ugly always had the same reaction. If you turned the hose on him, he would stand there getting soaked until you gave up and quit. if you threw things at him, he would curl his lanky body around feet in forgiveness. Whenever he spied children, he would come running meowing frantically and bump his head against their hands, begging for their love. If you ever picked him up he would immediately begin suckling on your shirt, earrings, or whatever he could find.

One day Ugly shared his love with the neighbors huskies. They did not respond kindly, and Ugly was badly mauled. From my apartment I could hear his screams, and I tried to rush to his aid. By the time I got where he was laying, it was apparent Ugly’s sad life was almost at an end.
Ugly lay in a wet circle, his back legs and lower back twisted grossly out of shape, a gaping tear in the white strip of fur that ran down his front. As I picked him up and tried to carry him home, I could hear him whizzing and gasping, and could feel him struggling. I must be hurting him terribly I thought.

Then I felt a familiar tugging and suckling sensation on my ear – Ugly, in so much pain, suffering and obviously trying to suckling my ear. I pulled him closer to me and he bump the palm of my hand with his head, then he turned his one golden eye towards me, and I could hear the distinct sound of purring. Even in the greatest pain, that ugly battled-scared cat was asking only for a little affection, perhaps some compassion.

At that moment I though Ugly was the beautiful, loving creature I have ever seen. Never once did he try to bite or scratch me, or even try to get away from me, or struggle in any way. Ugly just looked at me completely trusting in me to relieve his pain.

Ugly died in my arms before I could get inside, but I sat and held him for a long time afterwards, thinking how one scarred, deformed little stray could so alter my opinion of what it means to have true pureness of spirit, to love so totally and truly. Ugly taught me about more about giving and compassion than a thousand books, lectures, or talk shows special ever could, and for that I will always be thankful. He had been scarred on the outside, but I was scarred on the inside, and it was time for me to move on and learn to love truly and deeply. To give my total to those I care for.
Many people want to be richer, more successful, well like, beautiful,  but for me, I will always try to be Ugly!

this story touched me...and thats why i wanted to post it to my blog.

 

yesterday, i was with a church companion, and we visited another sister in my church (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints AKA: Mormon).

we have a program where we have a set of female congregational members, assigned to every other female, so ever female has someone come by at least once a month (or writes, or prays for them) to make sure they are ok, and we share a message.

 

so, the message was about the Attributes of Jesus Christ. (that message can be found here )

and one point marcia (my companion) had brought up was what the difference of PURITY and PERFECTION was.

i only reference that in this..as theres a part in the story where the author talks about purity.

i digress, my point for blogging this story, was because i have said for a long time, that all anyone (anything, really) wants is to be loved.

thats it.

loved with a purity, no restrictions, no demands, no limits, no reasons..just. plain. loved.

no matter what wrong, we have done, we know that person still loves us.

thats what we want.

animals, i feel, have emotion, ive said this for years, and i think are very much like us..they want to be loved.

no matter how mean we are, a dog will still..wag its tail when it sees us..for the love. a cat, will usually pur when we pet it, and they are filled with an attitude, most of the time, lol

this story, reminded me, on some level, were all broken, and hurting, or at least seeking a higher love than ourselves. 

i know im broken, have been for a long time, its taken me years to find the right glue" to patch my broken heart.

and i wear it on my sleeve.

i am effected by my past. 

its always there, in my face, and all i wanted was the love from a mother.

i never had a dad to get it from, so my only option was my mom. and she lacked (to me anyway) in the loving department...she was a rpvider, a good one, cant fault that..but she didnt show me love.

its taken me almost 50 years to realize, she never loved herself, enough to give to me.

we have to won it first before we can share it with others. and thats often (in my case anyway) a long hard deep hurting road we walk.

how often do we really appreciate the love someone else shows us in return if we do get it? or are we suspicious of its reasons?

i try to love ppl with the same love i have for my son..

if i say i love you, thats because i really do.

i feel a deep bond, and will think of that person all the time, in different ways and situations.

im an admin for a group on facebook with nearly 4K ppl in it (to date) and i think of my admins, almost the entire time im away from the group. wondering if they are struggling, having issues with members, are they frustrated? angry? upset at another member? 

most of the time, they are fine...

but i worry, because i dont want them to suffer any more pain and issue than they should.

i think of friends, all the time, even ones from my days in Bethesda MD). i wonder how they are, if lifes treating them ok. are they hurting. and if so, i pray they come through it without scars.

i think of my best friend, sandy..shes like a sister to me, and altho she makes some pretty crappy choices, it doesnt warrant me to let her go, and dump her. i cant save her, but i can always love her...and i want desperately for her to see her value within herself...but thats a struggle she has to face within her own person. i can always be there when shes ready..but i cant hand those precious keys over.i dont own hers...i only own mine.

i think of former co-workers, and ppl i pass on the street and simply say hello to. 

i try to love everyone.

im not gonna lie, some ppl are harder to love...that makes the challenge of acting in purity its finest.

without the  conflict, theres never growth.

you have to have  strife, to grow...

 

a seed PUSHES through the dirt to pop its blossom out...

a child, is SQUEEZED by muscles and organs and thrust into the world at birth.

we can not...become better if we are never challenged.

we HAVE to suffer something to appreciate the difference from where we were to where we end up.

in the end, what we do effects other. and we have a deeper love (if it was goodness we shared) towards them, which lends itself to a purity in love.

im this sad kitten, broken, hurt, longing, for someone to just scoop me up and love me. (mainly my mom, who sadly isnt here any longer, doesnt take away the fact i ach for that love from her)

i see it more and more every day..ppl in my life willing to cry with me, over things i have emotions for, ppl who share sentiments with me on facebook, because it makes them think of me, ppl who go out and get me things because i like them..

i am loved.

and i can see it now, more and more.

what i lack in my mothers aection, is given to me in sprinkles with others around me.

i am NOT forgotten...

(im gonna go religious here, forgive me if its not your thing)
 

God has NEVER stopped loving me. EVER, no matter what i have done, or what condition i am in, or how i look, or the way i behave..HE STILL loves me.

and i believe, has these other ppl in my life to fill the void...

it will never fill it comepltely, but it sure does help to remember that because i am who i am, Hes always going to provide, even when to me it seems completely hopeless.

the pain and loss of my mom may never ever go away, but it is being healed. day by day.

that love, helps me to be a better person...that love helps me to grow.

if you see someone struggling, whats your reaction? do you walk by and  hope you forget them? or do you stop, and extend a hand...

are you everyone else? or are you the guy who helped "Ugly" the cat? 

because some of us are  "Ugly" and all we need is compassion...

some of us only want to be...loved.

Michelle

DNA MAY POINT ME IN A DIRECTION I HAVENT LOOKED IN (STILL seeking my Dad)

so, for those who dont know, ill let you know something.

at my church i am whats called a: Family History Consultant.
basically, i help ppl with their family history, and searching for family.

back story..

i dont know my dad, its been an issue my entire life, because the info i have is very limited.
i was told, (by my mom) that he left us, when we lived in Van Nuys Cali, when i was 2 years old (1969ish).
he was married (unconfirmed) to a woman in Utah , and had 3 sons (uncomfirmed)
married to my mom (she says, i have never seen document to show that to be a fact)
married to another woman , also in cali, who had a daughter about 4 years older than myself. (unconfirmed for both)

and..he was never divorced from any of them, so he was what most ppl would call: a bigamist.

as a side not, whats funny, is i am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.
most ppl know my faith by the nickname: Mormon

and ppl STILL , even tho it hasnt been a way of life for over 100 years or more, STILL think we marry more than one wife (or the husbands would).
and its just kinda funny, not like hillarious funny, just ODD funny, that he had/has this past, and im a member of a faith thats got a history of that kinda thing.
and i dont know if hes ever been a member or not.

my info on my dad has come from just my mom, and i know for a fact this man existed, because my aunt has met him, so there has been SOMEONE who stood as that person in my life.

i have looked for him online since 1999, when i created my online ID. and have had NO success...ANYWHERE!
i was so excited when the 1940 census was opened up, i waited with baited breath to look for him, and came out...devastated.

back to my position in my church..

i was called (asked to do this position) about 5 years ago, now.
and i had serious reservations about doing it, because i knew finding him anywhere on any site, in any family tree was already tough, and here id be helping other ppl find family, and watching them get excited, and thrilled, and make headway, and id be...stuck.
and emotionally, that was going to be a hard place to sit and be ok with.
and i asked God, every Sunday, WHY ? WHYYY was i called to THIS position...

recently i had a breakthrough to do with my faith, that has settled some of my aggrivation about not finding this man..

but, still...5 years later, hes no easier to find than he was on day one.
i have grown to accept the fact that he may never be found.
i have come to the thinking hes not the name id know him as, he has another name, but with no data to know for sure...i cant find him under anything, other than what i have info on, because its all i was given.

2 weeks ago, i was in our Family History room, and was discussing, again, the fact hes unknown, and hard to find...and the suggestion came up that i should do a DNA and see where that took me.
on one site, the DNA will show you other ppl in the same DNA as you, you may actually be connected too.

so, i resolved, at some point this year, id do a DNA...never know...maybe ill find a sibling, or...HIM!
at best, ill see where my DNA  sits across the world.
and thats pretty cool, to see where the DNA i have stems from regionally wise.

so, i made a resolve, id do a DNA ..one day. put that off to some place in the back of my head, and didnt give it really much more thought.

the other day, on facebook, a member of my congregation, said she had bought 2 DNA tests by accident, only needed one, and was anyone interested in her other one.
by the time i saw the note, i was sure someone else had allready asked to have the test, but i told her on Facebook, id want it.

opened up facebook today, and she said shed have it for me.

 so, at some point, ill own my own DNA kit, to send off and have proccessed, and, then, eventually have some kinda result.

will it lead me to my dad? maybe. maybe not.
but it can show me more than what i have now. and you cant go wrong with that.

am i excited? YES! YES I AM!

theres a few tests out there, and im not sure which one she has, when i get it ill add a blog about it, what i did, how i did it, etc.

Michelle

DID MY 1st 30 MINUTE WALK....and i didnt die!

So, today is sarurday.

Picked the kid up from work.

We went to the gym, snd walked.

Todays objective....walk 1 15 minute, 1 30 minute.

Chest hurt on the 15. Took a micro break...continued to walk through it on the floor, not the treadmill, and did a full 30 minutes on the treadmill when i walked out that last bit to calm my heart down.  didn't hurt, and...i broke a small sweat. Which im gonna say...is gross!!!!

For whatever reason, i DETEST  sweating!  Its just plain nasty to me! But...i let it happen. 

And yes, i was completly grossed out by it happening. 

But i know, and understand...that to achieve my goal..its inevidable. It will HAVE to happen.

Im just gonna have to allow ot to. And ill either get used to it (right now thats laughable, lol) , or....suck it up snd just work through it everytime ( i believe thats the option ill deal with most often).

I just do not get how some ppl can LOVE  to sweat! Blah! 

Your nuts....just wanna put that out there! Lol

Walked a mile in my 30! Tried to get a pic of my final image for that and missed it by a second. So, no pic.

This pic is when I started the cool down. Wanted a pic to show I hit that 1 mile mark.

Beyond that..i was figuring out jow many times ive worked out since wednesday when i sighned up

Wed-1-night

Thur-2-morning/night

Fri-1-morning

Sat-1-morning

5 times. 4 days. 

Thats more than my original goal i had set which was 3-7 times. Well, i guess its halfway,actually. Its right in the middle. More than my lowest expectation, and not qute as high as my highest expectation.  

But its good. 

Now, if i can get the kid to agree to go at night on mon/ tues...id have 2 more in.

Not vonna do nuthing on sunday..cause they close at 8pm anyway, and i think id rather be there at night when thelace is almost dead.

I paid for an app on my iphone called:  Walkmeter.

Has a GPS in the app to calculate how far youve walked. Doesnt require cell data to be used. For tjose, like myself that have no phone plan, its good. 

App cost: 4.99 

So, i tried it out today...hoped it would log my steps for me.

Well....it didnt! You actually have to be moving form a point to another point for the app to log anything.

So, i tried another app i have. One i downloaded for free.

And it actually logged my steps for the whole 30 minutes. 

Activated by movement of the device itself. Not using a cell data or satalight to log any info.

That apps called: Stepmeter. And, again, its free. 

Turned breakfast down again. Just not in the mood to eat after a walk.

Michelle

SO, SOMETHING HAPPENED ATY THE GYM, AND SOMETHING HAPPEND AFTER THE GYM (both good)

So, i go in after i drop my son off from work, do whatever sessions i feel like, i have free range, can do as little or as much as i wanna, its completely up to me.

and i walk in, and theres this  young guy..couldnt be much older (if he even is) than my son, who was finishing up on some machine hed just worked out on.
looked at me, and smiled.

hes the 1st one who looked at me, and smiled.

well, he went about his business, and i did my treadmill thing.
i did over hear him tell Zack (the 10gym night manager guy) that hed been there since 10pm! i was in there at like midnight..what the heck?!?!? figured hed be leaving soon...
but nope..he was there till about 1am, when i was walking out the door.

i walked out, and he was outside, said hello to me..kinda shocked me, wasnt thinking anyone was out there, but..there he was..lol

found out his names Malachi, and he works at a walmart in a neighboring city.

i told him if he saw me again, to not be a stranger. im friendly..lol
i think it was his mom, who picked him up, but i had offered to take him home, hes not too far.

so, that was the thing at the gym..i think i made my 1st friend!
pretty cool!

so, i did my thing, walked, did 2 15s and ONE 20minute...just cause i wanted to see if i could manage to do a 20 minute and not die..
1st 15 was watching some boring sports junk..that 15 dragged onnnnnnn. thought it was never gonna end, took a small break, asked Zach how to do the TV, he showed me, and i adjusted it to PBS...
started off watching LAST OF THE SUMMER WINE, (a British comedy i really enjoy) and then it went to THIS OLD HOUSE...well, one 15 minute and that 20 minute walk, went by like a flash!

i have no idea where the time went with them, but they both..went away..somewhere...lol

its amazing how when you enjoy whatever it is your looking at you can allow time to slip by, but when your watching something you dont like..you hate time..lol

wernt home, rested a few, and had to go and get the kid, who was all excited about going in and working out with me...
had a bag in the car with his running shoes, had on shorts, had his ipad mini, and some earbuds, and was ready..

on the way there he asked me...

"want to have some breakfast?"
my answer........and im surprised: "after i work out"

he wanted to go home and rest, i get it, he works hard at  Coke-Cola doing manual labor, and hes tired..i get that, but i was ready, to work out..gotta make this 100.00 mean something.
so he opted for the work out.

now, im not gonna say in a month i wont think, id rather have that food, cause to be honest, i am addicted to food..ill take whatever chance i can to get it, but i wasnt going to this am..i had gotten ready, and was set to at least walk...after that, if i felt like breakfast, sure. id have some..

so, i did my thing again...
1 15 minute walk
and my 2nd walk, i did a 20 minute one.
even set my pace to higher this time on the 20. i have been doing 2.2. i went up to 2.4 (yeah. go me!)

barely can see...2.4 set.

15 minutes length i walked. (.80)

20 minutes almost a full mile (.98)

felt, after that i was good.

have to remember just a few hours earlier i had done, 2 15s and a 20...
so in less than 24 hours i had walked a total of: almost an hour and a half...

i was kinda tired...

daniel was right beside me, walking, and at one point he even ran on his treadmill...just like he said hed be, with his earbuds and his ipad mini, and some movie he had on the thing...

daniel walking

Daniel, running. he just stopped when i got this pic.

we got done, and we headed out for breakfast, and i turned the food down!
I WASNT HUNGRY!!!

whats going on with me?
ugh..so NOT who i am...lol

i know why tho..walking makes me use my tummy muscles, and i had just gotten done walking and didnt feel like i wanted anything to eat..cause i just didnt want it..but some liquid id do..
(and no, not no yucky water..BLAH!)

so, he got 3 sausage biscuits, 3 cookies, a drink, maybe a hash brown, im not sure, and i got 2 drinks.
i was good..lol

told daniel my exercise goals, to lose 20 pounds, thats where i want to be when i reach my 1st big goal, but that i have smaller goals to get there, like walking a full week at 30 minutes without a break, then walking 1 hour without a break...

he said 20 pounds lost would be a good goal.

told him im in no hurry to get to it, im just pacing myself right now. (no pressure)

 just weighed myself..

ugh..im right at the same place i always am...260...blah!

now, theres no way i expect in a few days to lose much if anything..
i always seem to balance right in between 250 and 260...so its typical for me to be there. nothing new.

i was told at the gastric surgery office, to always remove 5 pounds for clothes and stuff in your belly that you havnt gotten rid of...
so, again, that puts me right at...255ish...typical spot..lol

but im not too worried about it, not trying to lose right now, im just trying to maintain a healthy pace where i dont feel like my hearts exploding out of my chest..when i get there, ill try to lose some weight.

since gastric surgery..ive lost about 60 pounds total...i was 310 when i started.
so, im ok with where i am...im good.
im not gonna worry about the weight..its consistent, and thats ok with me.

Michelle

I DIDNT JUST DIVE IN.I DOVE INTO THE DEEP END (got a full membership to 10gym)

so, i decided...
id do it.
id go ahead and get that membership...

what am i so worried about?
just do it!
this is about you! not the rest of the world!
just..jump in!

so, i did, i didnt just jump in, i dove in, head 1st in the deep end..lol

i had a choice 10 bucks a month for a membership, or...20.00 a moth for a membership.

that was a toughie, cause i have to make sure i have that every month for the next 11 months, before i renew the membership (if i do) again. or...i pay like 70.00 something for the default fee.

so, i got ready, all dressed up in a nice neon yellow shirt...my new workout pants, my yellow ankel socks (and anyone that knows me, knows i hate to wear socks), my new awesome neon  yellow shoes, my new yellow earbuds, yellow water proof armband to hold my phone (so i can listen to music)...
took the kid to work, and told myself all the way there..

theres NOTHING to worry about, no ones gonna care your there, they dont even see you, except you SCREAM ..notice me in neon yellow..lol
DO NOT WORRY ABOUT THEM! THIS IS ABOUT YOU!

walked right up to the cvounter, and was met by Zach..hes my new guy...
and..paid for a full membership, PLUS a month a head.
97.00 bucks roughly for that.
50.00 for the annual fee, 20.00 for the month, plus 20.00 ahead. (the extra 7 is all extra taxes and  inhouse fees for stuf in the small print)

so, im ahead by a month.

got a little key fob i get to scan in to make sure im a member. and can use the equipment.

so, i went and got shown how to turn on the treadmill...
and i walked.

felt like forever...was about 18 minutes, and i had to stop..
my chest started to hurt, and i am really very paranoid about that, since my heart atatck, i have no idea whats going on when it feels stressed like it does when i do anything a little over what i normally do.
its all prolly psychosymatic (all in my head) , but i stop, to calm down, anyway. just in case.,

sat for a few, to get myself on a level i felt i could continue...and i went back on the  treadmill for another 15 minutes.

30. thats all. i was sweating drops. no lie..thats enough for one day...

felt like a wet noodle after i got off that thing, my legs were all wobbly and seriously, i felt like a slice of bologna! floppy and loose, not in a good way either..lol 

so, i went home, hit the house about 1am, craig got up at 2am, and woke me up...i managed, to grab a couple of hours before i had to get back up at 5 to go get the kid from work..

i am sore! 30 minutes! and im litterally sore! thats just crazy!

so, i go get him, he gets in the car, i say "look what i got"
and i show him the 10gym key fob on my car keys.

his eyes got wide, and he looked at me and asked...do you get to take someone?

i told him with the basic 10.00 membership, no, i couldnt, but i didnt get that one, i opted for the other just in case he did decide to come along.

little did i know it would be...this am!

he wanted to go by there and get a tour, before we went home, so, we drove over there...and zack, smiled and seemed a bit shocked to see me back in since i had left, he met daniel, and had him sign a waiver as a guest. and i gave daniel a tour, he got on the treadmill for a few, and said, he was gonna work out..right next to me when we worked out the same days..

yeah, nice dream, but when hes available, place will be busy, unless we go at night, when were both up and active..
place is closed friday night after 10 pm, when im on my way back from dropping the kid off at about 11ishpm, so id have to go during saturday sometime...or during the day on friday.

daniels even gonna pack a bag, with gym shorts, a towel, water bottle, his running shoes. so he can change and go with me on the way back from his work..

so, ill workout 2 times on tursdays it looks like, after i drop him off, and again after i pick him up...

ill have to redo this schedule...
gonna have to include him now..and his availability..

fridays when i pick up daniel, craigs with us...and hes not gonna wanna sit for a half hour, to an hour waiting on us to get done at the gym, maybe well leave craig home, gym opens at 6am fridays, we can get in, get that done..

IF the kid wants to, of course...id just wanna go home and got to sleep...lol...i want to anyway, but id go into the gym if he really wanted to...

well see how much he wants to do this...
well see how far i feel my 97.00 will go...

ok..so schedule for 10gym looks like this:

MON - opens at 5am-24 hours/
TUE - 24 hours/
WED - 24 Hours/ i go in 11pm, walk 30 minutes
THU - 24 Hour / i go in 11pm , walk 30 minutes
                         / i go in 7am, walk 30 minutes
FRI - close at 10pm /7am walking 30+ minutes
SAT - 6am-8pm/
SUN 8qm-8pm/

with just the wednesday and thrudays (2 times) i can get in 3 workouts for the week...
thats 30 minutes each time, just trying, at this point to build myself up to endurance , so i can go an hour..
so im starting low and slow.

if i do the friday morning thats 4 workouts in 3 days...with potential to do more on days daniels hime, at night (when hes most active, and i happen to be as well) 2 more, actually...monday/tues.
makes a total of 6 sessions 5 days. 

eventually, ill work my way up to that Couch to 5K, i wanna do..
after that ill run a 5k..

but those are the long term goals.
you start small..
and i want to walk 30 minutes without needing a break, for a full week (3-7days)
when i get that done, ill walk for an hour, without a break (3-7 days)

somewhere in there maybe lose a wight goal of 20 pounds.

i can do this.
i got this.

:)

Michelle